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How to Write the Great American Indian Novel, Sherman Alexie
All of the
Indians must
have tragic
features:
tragic noses,
eyes, and
arms.
Their hands
and fingers
must be tragic
when they
reach for
tragic food.
The hero must
be a
half-breed,
half white and
half Indian,
preferably
from a horse
culture. He
should often
weep alone.
That is
mandatory.
If the hero
is an Indian
woman, she is
beautiful. She
must be
slender
and in love
with a white
man. But if
she loves
an Indian man
then he must
be a
half-breed,
preferably
from a horse
culture.
If the Indian
woman loves
a white man,
then he has to
be so white
that we can
see the blue
veins running
through his
skin like
rivers.
When the
Indian woman
steps out of
her dress,
the white man gasps
at the endless
beauty of her
brown skin.
She should be
compared to
nature:
brown hills,
mountains,
fertile valleys,
dewy grass,
wind, and
clear water.
If she is
compared to
murky water,
however, then
she must have
a secret.
Indians always
have secrets,
which are
carefully and
slowly
revealed.
bellvampress How to Write the Great American Indian Novel, Sherman Alexie
All of the
Indians must
have tragic
features:
tragic noses,
eyes, and
arms.
Their hands
and fingers
must be tragic
when they
reach for
tragic food.
The hero must
be a
half-breed,
half white and
half Indian,
preferably
from a horse
culture. He
should often
weep alone.
That is
mandatory.
If the hero
is an Indian
woman, she is
beautiful. She
must be
slender
and in love
with a white
man. But if
she loves
an Indian man
then he must
be a
half-breed,
preferably
from a horse
culture.
If the Indian
woman loves
a white man,
then he has to
be so white
that we can
see the blue
veins running
through his
skin like
rivers.
When the
Indian woman
steps out of
her dress,
the white man gasps
at the endless
beauty of her
brown skin.
She should be
compared to
nature:
brown hills,
mountains,
fertile valleys,
dewy grass,
wind, and
clear water.
If she is
compared to
murky water,
however, then
she must have
a secret.
Indians always
have secrets,
which are
carefully and
slowly
revealed.
Yet Indian
secrets can
be disclosed
suddenly, like
a storm.
Indian men, of
course, are
storms. They
should destroy
the lives
of any white
women who
choose to love
them. All white
women love
Indian men.
That is always
the case.
White women
feign disgust
at the savage
in blue jeans
and T-shirt,
but secretly
lust after him.
White women
dream about
half-breed
Indian men
from horse
cultures.
Indian men
are horses,
smelling wild
and gamey.
When the
Indian man
unbuttons his pants, the white woman should think of topsoil.
There must be
one murder,
one suicide,
one attempted
rape.
Alcohol should
be consumed.
Cars must be
driven at high
speeds.
Indians must
see visions.
White people
can have the
same visions
if they are in
love with
Indians. If a
white person
loves an
Indian
then the white
person is
Indian by
proximity. White people
must carry
an Indian
deep inside
themselves. Those interior
Indians are
half-breed
and obviously
from horse
cultures. If
the interior Indian
is male
then he must be
a warrior,
especially if
he is inside a
white man.
If the interior
Indian is
female, then
she must be a
healer,
especially if
she is inside
a white
woman.
Sometimes
there are
complications.
An Indian man
can be hidden
inside a white
woman. An
Indian woman
can be hidden
inside a white
man. In these
rare
instances,
everybody is a
half-breed
struggling to
learn more
about his or
her horse
culture.
There must be
redemption, of
course, and
sins must be
forgiven.
For this, we
need children.
A white child and
an Indian
child, gender
not important,
should
express deep
affection in a
childlike way.
In the Great
American
Indian novel,
when it is
finally written,
all of the white
people will be
Indians and all
of the Indians
will be ghosts
secrets can
be disclosed
suddenly, like
a storm.
Indian men, of
course, are
storms. They
should destroy
the lives
of any white
women who
choose to love
them. All white
women love
Indian men.
That is always
the case.
White women
feign disgust
at the savage
in blue jeans
and T-shirt,
but secretly
lust after him.
White women
dream about
half-breed
Indian men
from horse
cultures.
Indian men
are horses,
smelling wild
and gamey.
When the
Indian man
unbuttons his pants, the white woman should think of topsoil.
There must be
one murder,
one suicide,
one attempted
rape.
Alcohol should
be consumed.
Cars must be
driven at high
speeds.
Indians must
see visions.
White people
can have the
same visions
if they are in
love with
Indians. If a
white person
loves an
Indian
then the white
person is
Indian by
proximity. White people
must carry
an Indian
deep inside
themselves. Those interior
Indians are
half-breed
and obviously
from horse
cultures. If
the interior Indian
is male
then he must be
a warrior,
especially if
he is inside a
white man.
If the interior
Indian is
female, then
she must be a
healer,
especially if
she is inside
a white
woman.
Sometimes
there are
complications.
An Indian man
can be hidden
inside a white
woman. An
Indian woman
can be hidden
inside a white
man. In these
rare
instances,
everybody is a
half-breed
struggling to
learn more
about his or
her horse
culture.
There must be
redemption, of
course, and
sins must be
forgiven.
For this, we
need children.
A white child and
an Indian
child, gender
not important,
should
express deep
affection in a
childlike way.
In the Great
American
Indian novel,
when it is
finally written,
all of the white
people will be
Indians and all
of the Indians
will be ghosts
